SO MUCH WORK TO DO THIS WEEKEND. But, I still waste all my damn time doing things that don’t matter.
I see what you’re saying. But you do know me, regardless of what I’ve been doing the past few months, you know a lot about me; personally, intimately, you know the kind of person I am in a general sense. I say I’m probably not going to change completely a lot, but that doesn’t discredit growing or evolving. I think what I was trying to say was that it’s just weird when you lose connections with people who have so much information about you as a person. It’s weird knowing people know all of these things about me and aren’t close to me, it makes me feel naked. Because since I’m not in contact with people who know about me, well, they can do whatever they want with their knowledge. Whether that means telling other people things or judging me or formulating opinions (& none of these even have to be taken in a negative sense, just general). Even just knowing that people know things about me that I don’t normally make known or that people know aspects of me that I don’t normally let be seen is a strange situation in itself. My so-called ‘shield’ will be down forever to those people.
& even if I DO change a lot, experiences and moments and parts of me that happened will always be, that will never change. They will always be apart of my memory or yours, so they exist even if it is just in the past.
When you have a close relationship with another person you let them in. You see, I feel like we all have a ‘shield’ that protects us from most of the world & when you connect with someone you let that shield down a little or maybe you put it away completely, I don’t know. You tell them your insecurities, you secrets, or maybe just things about yourself you wouldn’t normally let out. Here’s the thing though, the thing I can’t seem to shake, when a relationship is over what happens to your shield? Once a person has seen you without it the point of having one is dubious, because nothing can really be unheard or unlearned. &, well, I doubt there is really a lot of me that is going to change completely, I’m pretty sure I am the person I will be for most of my life. (Granted, I am a 23 year old saying that, so maybe I have no idea what I’m fucking talking about) But basically what I’m saying is, I feel like the people who know me or knew me, well they can’t really un-know me & I can’t really un-know them. All those private conversations or unravelings or fights or heart to hearts I’ve had with a best friend or a boyfriend or someone close to me, they happened, they exist. Nothing can change that, if you’ve seen me without a shield, well that’s me & I guess you can take that however you like. I’m at a point in my life where I’m realizing that so many people have seen me without my shield, so many people that I’m not really connected with anymore, & it just feels so strange. Like being in crowded room with an ex-boyfriend; he knows so much about you & you him, but you both play a game where you pretend that knowledge isn’t there. The whole thing just makes me feel naked, & so incredibly vulnerable, which is so strange because it’s been years since I’ve felt that way.
I just kind of feel like I’m at this place or point in my tiny, little, meaningless life where half of the people I know see me naked and ‘sheildless’, and that won’t ever, ever change. And the other half sees me with a shield that seems to cover everything.. & a part of me is so scared to bring it down, because I was comfortable before.. yah know? I used to hide behind because I knew there was a perfectly wonderful group of people behind there with me, so it didn’t matter. Things change though, I guess. And that’s OK, it’s just weird.
Okay.. none of this probably makes any sense to anyone but me.
Literally panting after tonight’s episode of Breaking Bad.
Jason Segel is an asshole. Like, treats women like crap, I’m entitled, asshole.
My heart is broken beyond repair.
We Need Help opens tonight at The Mix. No one who follows me lives around here, but a shout out regardless.
Also, I love you! :D
I KNOW I MUST!!! I have been SOO SOOOO SOO BUSY. Senior year + theatre work I’m doing right now. But hopefully this week!