I read your Shield post. I was just mulling over it. I think that yes, its a sticky situation to see someone you were once so close with but I think that time and the situations of our daily lives are constantly changing the people that we are. I'd like to think that we were close in high school, and then when I met you again you were the same, but your life was totally different to me. and now seeing you again, i feel like i don't know you at all cuz of time. this probs only makes sense to me 2
I see what you’re saying. But you do know me, regardless of what I’ve been doing the past few months, you know a lot about me; personally, intimately, you know the kind of person I am in a general sense. I say I’m probably not going to change completely a lot, but that doesn’t discredit growing or evolving. I think what I was trying to say was that it’s just weird when you lose connections with people who have so much information about you as a person. It’s weird knowing people know all of these things about me and aren’t close to me, it makes me feel naked. Because since I’m not in contact with people who know about me, well, they can do whatever they want with their knowledge. Whether that means telling other people things or judging me or formulating opinions (& none of these even have to be taken in a negative sense, just general). Even just knowing that people know things about me that I don’t normally make known or that people know aspects of me that I don’t normally let be seen is a strange situation in itself. My so-called ‘shield’ will be down forever to those people.
& even if I DO change a lot, experiences and moments and parts of me that happened will always be, that will never change. They will always be apart of my memory or yours, so they exist even if it is just in the past.
When you have a close relationship with another person you let them in. You see, I feel like we all have a ‘shield’ that protects us from most of the world & when you connect with someone you let that shield down a little or maybe you put it away completely, I don’t know. You tell them your insecurities, you secrets, or maybe just things about yourself you wouldn’t normally let out. Here’s the thing though, the thing I can’t seem to shake, when a relationship is over what happens to your shield? Once a person has seen you without it the point of having one is dubious, because nothing can really be unheard or unlearned. &, well, I doubt there is really a lot of me that is going to change completely, I’m pretty sure I am the person I will be for most of my life. (Granted, I am a 23 year old saying that, so maybe I have no idea what I’m fucking talking about) But basically what I’m saying is, I feel like the people who know me or knew me, well they can’t really un-know me & I can’t really un-know them. All those private conversations or unravelings or fights or heart to hearts I’ve had with a best friend or a boyfriend or someone close to me, they happened, they exist. Nothing can change that, if you’ve seen me without a shield, well that’s me & I guess you can take that however you like. I’m at a point in my life where I’m realizing that so many people have seen me without my shield, so many people that I’m not really connected with anymore, & it just feels so strange. Like being in crowded room with an ex-boyfriend; he knows so much about you & you him, but you both play a game where you pretend that knowledge isn’t there. The whole thing just makes me feel naked, & so incredibly vulnerable, which is so strange because it’s been years since I’ve felt that way.
I just kind of feel like I’m at this place or point in my tiny, little, meaningless life where half of the people I know see me naked and ‘sheildless’, and that won’t ever, ever change. And the other half sees me with a shield that seems to cover everything.. & a part of me is so scared to bring it down, because I was comfortable before.. yah know? I used to hide behind because I knew there was a perfectly wonderful group of people behind there with me, so it didn’t matter. Things change though, I guess. And that’s OK, it’s just weird.
Okay.. none of this probably makes any sense to anyone but me.
I’m REALLY REALLY PLEASED I drove you around for 4.5 years only to realize that within 2 weeks of you having your own car you were already penny pinching me for gas & you throw a HUGE fit every time I ask to use you car, for school or work, since you know.. your car would just sit in your work parking lot for 9 hours (& I’m always able to both pick you up and drop you off).
Oh & have I mentioned the reason I don’t have a car is because of YOU. YOU were the one that rear-ended someone and wrecked it. And my dad said you didn’t have to pay for it as long as you took care of me. HA-HA joke’s on me right, Nate?
Not from the stars do I my judgment pluck; And yet methinks I have astronomy, But not to tell of good or evil luck, Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons’ quality; Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell, Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind, Or say with princes if it shall go well, By oft predict that I in heaven find: But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive, And, constant stars, in them I read such art As truth and beauty shall together thrive, If from thyself to store thou wouldst convert; Or else of thee this I prognosticate: Thy end is truth’s and beauty’s doom and date.