22 year old me: *Looks into camera* I am...standing in front of my beautiful home. I just got back from a short vacation and it's my dorders( who I uniquely named Dorder b/c she is my dorder) 4th birthday so I'm going to surprise her and my husband Aubrey, you may know him as Drake, I call him Aubrey because we're on a first name basis because we are married...and in love.
Me: *Opens door* Hello.mp3!
Drake: *Eagerly runs downstairs carrying dorder because he is happy to see me because we are in love* Oh my God! I am so happy to see you!
Me: Surprise! Get my luggage sweetie. *Smiles at the camera*
Drake: Hold the baby for me?
Me: No, thank you.
Drake: You sure? You haven't seen her in a long time and she misses y-
Me: Aubrey I do not want to hold that child.
Drake: *Nods and sits dorder on the floor* What's with the camera crew?
Me: Well, I am...filming my ICONIC return home from vacation.
Drake: I wouldn't call it vacation you were gone for an entire year. *rich white man laugh*
Me: I can call it whatever the hale I wanna call it but anyway- *Kneels and ruffles Dorders hair* -my little cutie pie turned 3 and as you all know, I do not particularly like the number 3. At all. So now I am home because I do, in fact, enjoy the number 4.
Drake: I completely understand, I'm not too fond of the number 7.
Me: Are you coming for me?
Drake: I don't understand.
Me: Everyone knows that I was born on August 8th and 7 is one less than 8 and I'm starting to feel VERY attacked.
Drake: I apologize I see how that could be taken offensively, I was out of line.